This Easter has been a strange one. For all of us, it is one in quarantine from our loved ones that we would normally be traveling to see and spend time with in person. For me, there is another layer of it being my 33rd birthday. April 12th has never fallen on Easter before in my lifetime and it seems like there is always a connection that we can’t completely understand when the world falls into place a certain way. I have decided to take notice.
I don’t feel sad. I thought I might, since my normal routine is to have my closest friends over to cheers my birth and share it with me. I have made my Zoom time with them starting in only a few minutes and I can’t wait to see their smiling faces on my computer screen. After my friend date, I am Zooming with my family and attempting to play a card game with them as is tradition when we gather. It could be a disaster, but we will be together and laugh through the hiccups.
“Together in spirit.” Such a fitting saying now. Even when we don’t get the chance to hug and touch our loved ones, their spirit appears in our living rooms with Zoom, Facebook and Skype. Like magic, their laughter fills my home and I feel a little bit better when they inhabit the material space around me.
Let us use this time as a Rebirth. To reconnect with what is important. Hold up in your cave, but look inside and investigate your inner world with this forced hermitage. Be silent, pray, meditate, cry, laugh, be content in your solitude. The outside world has been stripped away and we need to remember that we are complete still. Looking elsewhere for wholeness is pointless. You are all you need. Stretch your mind and touch the divine that is your inner soul, your eternal light. It is waiting for you.
The most freeing feeling in the world is to let go of past grudges and aggression and forgive someone. In the past, I cocooned myself in anger and resentment toward the people in my life I felt had done me wrong. I stewed in self pity and malice, pushing away those who loved me, but didn’t love me how I wanted them to. I now see that it was a very small and selfish view of the situation. I was so focused on how it made me feel that I never realized that I was only making it worse with my attitude.
My anger has always been an issue throughout my life. It would come out as judgment of others, ‘hating’ things and people, and blowing up when I let my self-hatred gain strength over my emotions. I have recently realized that most of it stems from not feeling ‘good enough’ and placing myself into a separate bubble from other people who had different viewpoints than me. It was a cold and isolating place.
I have for the past little while been working on my self-love and being aware that holding onto this hurt and anger was creating poison inside me. The people who had done the hurting were not suffering as much as I was from not letting my emotions about past actions go. In some instances I have kept grudges from as far back as 20 years. This poison has been coursing through me unchecked and I am finally done with it.
I am worthy of love. Period. I cannot control how other people see or treat me, only how I will react to them. There is so much fear and hate in the world today that I will not be contributing anymore. We are all connected, all beautiful and perfect at our core. Most injury from others is just misunderstanding and assumption. If we come from a place of love, we can overcome any difference.
Just remember: You are worthy of love. Let go of the poison and breathe freely. We are one and I love you.